Carl's Quest
by seinfelder617
Summary: Jerry Seinfeld and Carl Wheezer were perfect for one another, it was love at first sight. But when things turn spicy, Carl realizes his true quest; to kill Jerry Seinfeld.
1. PROLOGUE

PROLOGUE

Jerry Seinfeld was walking the streets of Lincoln, California with his moon shoes on a cool November night and he was feeling quite eloquent. With crumpet in hand and a smile on his wrinkly, hairless face.

"Quossaunt!" I exclaimed excitedly, spilling my, collectors gigolo mug of ice cold jizzum across the pavement.

"oops!" I said, blushing profusely.

"Oh me oh my! I'm wicked sorry about that Carl!" said Jerry, as he licked up my mess from the filthy, clay street.

"How about I make it up to you, lets head down to Orchid Thai! I hear they have the best and most excellent cuisine in all of the western hemisphere!"

"Do they have lima beans? I HATE lima beans!" I said, livid and turning tomato coloured.

"No way! I'd never do anymeme to displease you my squash!"

And that was it, the beginning of a long, toxic relationship. I could smell the cinnamon scent love in the air, trickling up through my nostrils, pleasing me to my core. We talked for what felt like two hours, just scuttling along at the pace of snails, we were only going a block away, and we wanted to savour the mome.

It was a long passionate walk and we did many bondings.

TWO HOURS L8R

Finally, we were here. Exhausted, jerry smeared his thin sickly mitts across the door, kindly holding it ajar, but only barely enough for me to squeeze-inn. The lady standing at the waitress booth looked identical to my bud Kimmy boy Il, she seated us kindly and dusted off the red leather seats, nobody had been in this restaurant for months. But that was okay. I ordered the beef wellington with a side of smiley face caviar, jerry ordered the cheese pizza with some smiley face french fries (and a sprite). "Lets do it Jerry, I want to make sweet xccbabies with you, right here in orchid thai."

"can i ask you kind of a weird question?" I said.

jerry's eyes widened

"of course uhh anything you want to say, wheezy-poo."

I swayed back and forth, puked out my breakfast, and kissed seinfeld passionately on his liquor liquor lips.

"oh carly, u make my totoro go doki doki"

"oh jerryjerry, I want your jizzum"

Jerry slipped on some sexy music and ripped off his sweaty shirt, revealing his white, white torso.

Carl slipped his fat long schlong out of his shitstained undergrams. Jerry greedily began gargling his wet lizard. He put it deep down his cinco food tube and began singing opera all over his fat cock, vibrating sensually. He began grapefruiting his massive pen island, the succulent taste of 90s nick slime makes jerry wet, sticky, and CERTAINLY very icky. Jerry extended his asshole in a tube-like fashion, going over the back of his head and onto carl's fatty nub. Carl jerked and worked his disco stick furiously into Jerry's seinhood, his cock throbbing and pulsating like a bouncy house full of sexy memes having their way in an orgy of penit-bubber. The tension was too much. He lifted seinfeld up onto the table, and started slapping his ass RAW. Jerry begged, "OH YES, PLEASE, GIVE ME MORE MEMES." Now jerry was beginning to become erect, his small yum rod poking slowly out of his uncut sheath. His glossy red slit was beginning to pulsate with pleasure. Carl had to do it, he had to release his dopamine. He plunged his alaskan bull worm deep into jerry's inescapable suck pit, burning him down into his core, where he'd become so numb.

 _ **Schluuurp!**_

Carl began releasing his pith into jerrys slobbering asshole with the force of a fire-hose.

"My jizzums! My firey hot gooey is spilling all over your tight wad!"

Jerry squirmed with pure pain and delight, spilling his white essence across three rows of tables, his flaming, red hot cum hit the back of someone's skull with machine gun force, blowing their brains out into the kitchen and splattering carl in the face with brain matter and Jerry's hot cumin, already soaked with lube and spit from their sexual misadventures.

"Mm, Spicy" carl murmured, licking his lips and wiping the remaining discharge off his deflated loins.

"Ready for round two?" Said Seinfeld.

"Oh baby, you know it."

He mounted jerry's sweet ass once more, but before he began thrusting, something happened. Something deep in his mind had snapped, broken. It was time for one of Carl's signature paradigm shifts.

Quickly and without warning, Carl began THRASHING at jerry's chest, tearing off all excess flesh. down to the bone he ripped and shredded everything he could possibly clench onto with his tiny 2002 nickelodeon 3d animation teeth. he grabbed viciously at jerry's entrails in an almost animalistic fashion, as if acting purely on instinct.

"why carl guy, why?" screamed jerry chan, as carl tore apart his facility.

"IT GETS ME WET" says carl, his voice shifting again.

but suddenly, carl's anger inexplicably proliferated into the purest form of primal rage. Carl's shirt and overalls tore to pieces, as his muscles were quick ta burs.

carl screamed, "EAT DICK, SHIT-FEILD."

and finished him off with his signature move "the llamapalooza".

jerry let out a groan, "i always liked you when you were angry." then his body went limp bizkit.

carl swore to greyskull. He felt so satisfied and pristine knowing that the sticky wet sein-stain had been cleaned out.

L8R THAT NITE

Carl sat in bed just staring there autofellating at his favorite llama-del-ray poster. carl heard something outside. so he got up and looked out the window of his facility and saw jerry standing there, menacingly.

jerry smirked at carl, "haha. you killed my seinclone, you foolio coolio!

carl couldn't believe it.

"you fucker, you almost had me. I knew there was something fish about your puss yellow blood and plastic organs. i forgot to mention. i have a fetish for jokesters like you."

jerry proceeded to take out his mind-wiping novelty baseball cap and frisb33d it onto carl's round curly haired ginger egg-noggin, and that's all he could remember from the night of June 17th, 1979.


	2. EPISODE TWO: THE MISSION

EPISODE TWO: THE MISSION

"This will not stand. J-J-J-Jerry cannot win." I said to myself, storming down my hallway, quickly.

"That spitstain is going DOWN. First he lures me in with his torrid bod, cut-like-steak abs, and charming wit, and now he thinks he gots the thinks to play with my emotions? Not happening." I suited up and prepared to destroy every single one of those fucking seinclones.

"Jerry Seinfeld. I am ready, I have the gear, and I have the power level." I said, furiously.  
"Sorry, Jim-Jam, I'm gonna have to borrow this." I said as I picked up the handheld hadron-collider that Jimmy left on his wall of lethal weapons. I was ready to destroy that leather skin pouch of cheesy 90's knee-slappers.

Around midnight that night, I got into the Strato XL, and remembered jimmy's favourite wacky phrase. "Gotta blart". It echoed through my soul and brought a tear to my shiny glass eye. RIP Jimble 1979-2015. I proceeded to slam my rocket in g33r and roared off at 420 puffs per hit. While flying at the speedy speed of quick, I managed to hear a faint rustle in the back seat, I turned around and what I saw nearly filled my trousers with the goo. It was another one of Jerry's goons. He was NOT going to seduce me with his H **O** T H **O** T tater tots this time around. I just lost my buns. I loosened my grip on the turning orb as I began duking it out with false-Feld.

"You will never reach Manhattan, slime-buket." Jerry the Racecar Driver said, his face twisting in into a monkey-knot. I grabbed ahold of his greasy dreads and tore them free from his rubber skull. He let out a hallowing squeal;

"KNOOOOOOOE!"

He lunged at my rubber ankles and gnawed through my heelys tendon. My piggies went limp as I fought for survival, and all the while, the Strato-blaster 360 was still spiraling out of control, in fact, it was headed straight for the sun. My ankles were flopping uncontrollably, so i kicked his pretty-pink face with my hulking hard light-up sketchers. He zipped off in the opposite direction, smashing against the back wall and bursting into a powdery cloud of brown sugar.

"YOU DUDE, YOU GOT POWDERED SUGAR ALL OVER MY PLEATHER LAY-Z BOY© DAVENPORT CHESTERFIELD™ IMPORT SPECIALIZED RECLINER® FOLD OUT SOFA. FUCK!"

I quickly grabbed ahold of the pivot and managed to save myself from smashing nose first into the meteor that Metal Gear Reagan had been banished to. I wanted to do it, but it would have meant certain death, and I had more important business to attend to. Oh Yeah! It's all smooth sailing from here I thought. I grabbed myself a can of the flurp from Jimmy's patented chill-square and drank to the memory of seinclone #46,853.

Shiver me timbers, I threw my own birthday party three weeks early. There were more than one of those witch-nosed freak shows. There were dozens crawling out from every crevice in the rocket, there was even one in the glove compartment, and they were circling in on my facility. I tossed my purple flurp into their beady little brown eyes. Their faces filled up with laugh from their hellish scowls, as the bubbling liquid pured down their orifeces, stinging them down to the bottom of their brain stems. I knew I had to do something pronto-like, the flurp would only cage their rats for so long, and I couldn't fire my hadron collider in this fucking little sardine can.

I looked in the distance and saw the charred McSpanky's Jimmy had launched into the big yellow sky-ball. How did it survive? I have no idea, but time was running out, I had to make a mighty lunge for the McSpanky's before the Strato XL hit the sun. I put on a sweater, grabbed my gear, and took a deep deep breath, I needed this one to last.

I opened the hatch, releasing a vortex of gravity that ravaged the strato xl, tearing apart the Seinclones and flinging my furnishings about in every direction, helping to pummel the chocolate comedians. I pulled together all of my strength, pushing slowly towards the hatch. It was like trying to lift a car off of your leg. Lucky for me though, friday was leg day, and I had just got mega-swole. I lunged out the hatch into the deep and endless void. For a single moment, and for the first moment in my journey, I actually felt at peace. Something about floating through space on my own was just so surreal, so beautiful. It was nothing but me and my thoughts, no sounds or feelings or smells. But as I floated closer and closer, I began to lose conciousness. My vision began tunneling, as my legs went stiff, and my mind went black. No… This can't be it… Not now…

But then… after what feld like no time at all… I faded right back in. I seemed to have awoken in McSpanky's, but it was much different to how I remembered… It was dark and brown and decrepit, all the furniture had been removed and the lights were dim, somewhat reminiscent of my favourite video game, Fallout 3® oh boy. But looks aren't what matters, what matters is that I made it. Haha, take that Douche-Feld! As I explored the once usable facility, I saw a familiarly bulbous schnoz peeking around a corner, and it belonged to none other than HUEGH Nutteroni.

Even though I grib-grab a grudge to this day against that womanizer for stealing away my beautiful Judith, it was nice to see a familiar nose.

"Well HEY there sport!" He said, chuckling and standing straight up, with both arms horizontal to either side. He didn't move once as I spoke to him. All he did was stand there and glow. I decided it was probably just another one of Jim's inventions, and I scampered off to the nearest booth to get some rest.


	3. EPISODE THREE: THE PLUNGE

EPISODE THREE: THE PLUNGE

I woke up with Jear-Bear on my mind. I drifted forth into consciousness and prepared to go to the freeze cube to grab a Juicy Slice, when I saw a strange black silhouette on the ceiling. Was this sleep paralysis? Could Ice J-J Baby have returned? No.. It was.. HEUGH? He was on the ceiling in the same ludacris civilian position as before. His head was turned 360 degrees, counterclockwise and his cold, sorrowful peepers were looking deeply into my facility, flashing randomly. I saw his long, sticky legs squashed against the ceiling, his arms in a similar position. His body was turned outward with his pelvis down in a crab walk; I was elated. The dim neon burger joint lights cast an eerie blue glow on this damp, decrepit room. I returned his hypnotic gaze, looking deeply into his soulless expression; his eyes and teeth flickered and sputtered, periodically illuminating the void in which I was visiting. Out of the corner of my tiny charcoal-bit eyes I saw more dark figures. No… I must have just been tired, there couldn't have been anyone there. It was then that I realized that heugh's sinister eyes were flashing in some kind of pattern. It was morse code. I thought for a moment and tried to decipher his cryptic message. I was a bit rusty on my decryption skills, so I could only make out a single word… _**ESCAPE**_ _ **.**_

 _FUCKING_ _**GAHH**_ _ **!**_ I knew this was too good to be true. I grabbed my fixins, bounced out of the booth that I had shared a deep slumber with, and jiggled furiously for the exit. However, lingering at the door was the herd of savage HUEGHS waiting for my arrival. I tried to keep the dribble going, but they came on and slammed me. I hit the ground with an audible squash. It took me almost a minute to get my bulbous fanny off the floor, and before I knew it they were advancing on me, circling me, strangling me, and suppressing my vision until all I could see was darkness. Imprisoning me. All that I see. Absolute sorrow.

And then, in that moment, I knew I was done for. With much hesitation, I reached for my handy-dandy hand grenade. It was time for the final blow. I pulled the pin, barred my teeth, and got ready for the end. I knew I was going to hell either way, so I may as well take as many of them as I could with me.

That was it. That's all she fucking wrote. Or so I thought. Then, whiteness; infinite whiteness. I couldn't think, see or hear anything. I was nothing. I was at peace. And all I could do was perceive. And what I was perceiving wasn't there. I was taking in nothingness for what was both forever, and the blink of an eye, when in front of me, a phone apperated, breaking my meditative state. It rang twice.

I floated towards the telephone and watched it levitate from the receiver. The phone slowly rotated towards me, just waiting there. It had no eyes, yet it stared. And gradually, from the bottom end of the phone, there manifested a set of lips. They whispered to me.

"Rise and shine, Carl. It's time to wake up."

I snapped back to reality, screaming. I was 8 miles above the earth, falling at terminal velocity. But as I adapted to the feeling of falling, a realization hit my novelty thinking cap like a bolt in the shape of some sort of lightning-shaped-scar. I noticed that there were a pair of slippery greased up spaghetti arms wrapped around my extra crispy chesticle…

"Jerry!?" I shouted into the wind, but then I looked up. What? No, this can't be… It was Jimmy, and he was giving me his classic cheeky, girl scout smirk. " **Brain blast!** " he bellowed with the force of a nuclear snort. And suddenly, his massive body arched upwards. He darted out of the atmosphere like a bullet with butterfly wings. My glasses whizzed off the plastic mask that hid my robot under-skull, and spiraled towards the ground. " **Let the corpses do the colliding of the me planet.** " he boomed as he swung me, forcing my noodle-like appendages to flail towards the earth even faster than before. This was the end. Here we go, here we go, here we go now. ONE I'll never forget you, Jerry, go fuck yourself with a llama bean. TWO I'd never see my delicious Judy again. THREE something had to give. FOUR I stopped screaming for a mome and looked around, assessing the situation. Speeding towards me was the Big Apple, and I was the fool who was going to smash into it. Then I saw something that might just save my Boochie von Bunz! I pulled my arms together into a cannonball and aimed for the mattress I could see below me. I landed swiftly, but what I found sent my facilities into a frenzy… This wasn't just any mattress. It was Jerry's Mattress, bought specifically from Jerry's Mattress House, and Kramer's lifeless corpse laid atop it. He had clearly jumped off of a roof somewhere nearby. It smelled fresh n' easy, so my superior mind deduced the death was rather recent. I dropped suddenly, plagued with exhaustion. I figured this would be a good time for a rest as I cuddled up next to the contorted Kramer, and passed out on the sharp springy mat.


	4. EPISODE FOUR: THE SEARCH

EPISODE FOUR: THE SEARCH

When I awoke, it seemed as if it had been at least 5 wiener hours. I got up off of Sein-sleuth's filthy sleep pad and used my fat gaudy vision marbles to take in and consume my surroundings. It had seemed as though I was on the outskirts of a large city, as I could see the tall, erect buildings just miles away from my very own heap. I looked around for a possible route to Jerry's Sein-Quarters, but I could not see any practical way to that hedon's smelly landmass.

I asked one of the local dwellers, he responded with "Jus' get up on da subway ova theyah. FUHGEDDABOUDIT." "Are you to take me for a fool? I know that Jared doesn't offer such grandiose services, and I refuse to forget about this treachery." I said, scolding him. To my surprise, however, he pointed in the direction of a stairway to train-heaven labeled "SUBWAY TRANSIT" so I guess he wasn't a goddamn lying wastrel after all.

I sloshed down the damp mossy steps, I realised that this wasn't an average Subway Hoagie House. It was a dimly lit hall with tunnels on either side, could this be Jared-Kun's method of teleportransitation?

As I equipped my trusty 12 gauge and stepped into the tunnel, I got a lot of horrified looks from the crowd, some ran, and some of them even yelled to get back to safety. Safety? What wasn't safe about walking this path? I paid no mind these grunts, as I know exactly what I'm doing. I pumped my shotgun with confidence and proceeded forth.

A few trots later, I noticed a white hot flame rushing towards my pudgy little bod. I squinted my eyes, trying to see beyond it, only to notice a large metal worm blasting toward me with brisk force. It was being driven by none other than a steaming young Old Spice Guy (played by Terry Crews) all to the tune of his very own groovy theme song. I sprayed my metal pellets at his permanently youthful complecture, but this only seemed to excite him. How am I going to get out of this pickle? I hastily hatched a scheme and splashed toward the ceiling and grabbed on to the wet bars.

"That was odd" I thought, I snapped back into reality and pressed forth. Jerry must be destroy. I saw a familiar hall ahead of me, it looked just like the one I'd entered 5 minutes ago, all except for the big sign at the exit that read "MANHATTEN".

Yes. I had finally made it. I slithered up the horrible jagged steps once more, and layed eyes at last on his domain. It was festering with roaches and street-side food vendors; three of my favourite sceneries. However, this was not the time nor the place! This was time to assassinate the root of all my problems, BECAUSE I WILL. I guess 30 years of pilates classes were about to pay off.

I scanned my surroundings for a way to the Sein-Lair, it was still at least mile off, and my body was heavy. It would have taken weiner-years to reach such a height. I saw a local, blasting it down the streets in his yellow lamborghini. I firmly planted my hefty shaft in front of his speeding vehicle, hoping for him to come to a stop. When he did not, I had to resort to Plan B. I sprung into action, thrusting forward with terminal force, vaporising his windshield, then pounding his head into a fine, scarlet pulp. "Oopsies I'm saaaarry~" I said in my signature Adam Sandler impersonation. I promptly removed his inert carcass from the drivers seat, then proceeded to step in. I managed to extend my little stubs just far enough to push in the gas pedal, but not very far. I was moving at a rate of 3mph at most. It was time to take flooring it to a new level, and resort to Plan C. I grabbed the luxury leather ass-warming seat and tossed it out of the side, thus turning off the cloaking device and revealing that this was, in fact, a lawn mower. Oh well. It'll have to do. As I revved my new vehicle I realised that my elite DDR skills would finally come in handy. I put the pedal to the metal as I braced for a WARP TOUR right through the Sein-soft HQ. My growling metal steed proceeded swiftly to speeds that only Sandler himself could comprehend. As I proceeded to accelerate, I heard the echo of a very familiar voice pound it's way through my pudding filled noggin. It was none other than the voice of the all knowing Terry Crews. I jolted with energy, this inspired me to trek onward. I now knew that not even the stronkest of uhh... evildoers, would stop me from reducing this deceptive little scoundrel to a pile of ooze once and for all.


	5. EPISODE FIVE: THE MEETING

EPISODE FIVE: THE MEETING

I crashed violently through a window on the 97th floor of the Sein-Sanctuary. I was here, now to split up and find that monster mash of a man. I saw a woman in an office chair behind a desk looking striken with fear, disbelief, and my fist.

"Where is that Seinfeld?!" I yelled as I slammed my open palm against her cheek.

"W-what? S-s-seinfeld? I don't know what you're talking about? This is Aéropostale! P-please don't hurt me!"

Forget this, she was useless to me. I kicked her right in the gut, and then I ran through the halls checking every room for that filthy yet hot to trot jear-bear bod.

After precisely 6 weiner minutes, I concluded that he was not on this floor. So I hopped into the lift and pressed every button stupidly hard with my big fat ridiculous appendages, breaking the buttons and permanently ruining my cuticle in the process. I then waited for the silly steel box to take me to my opponent.

I arrived on the 2 millionth floor at around 7:30 PM after stopping at every floor, but unlike the 999,999,999 other floors, in which the elevator door neatly slid open, this floor's doors seemed to just swing away, as if they were kicked open by a tall, mischievous, curly haired fellow. But there was nobody there.

I stepped out into the corridor, it was foggy and dimly lit, so I had to turn on my Jim-vision goggles. I made my way through the hall, pulling every door to my left and right off their hinges, revealing empty dusty rooms. Jerry was not there. However, at the end of this hall, there was one last door. It was a glossy leathery red door, like out of an old 90's sitcom, and on the front, was the yellow oval I'd been waiting to see this whole time. The seinfeld logo was here, which means I had finally reached his fucking office.

I slowly peeled open the glossy red slit to reveal a desk, a large chair, and a huge window to oversee the smoggy streets below.

The room was lined with a thicc, pink smoke. The room was illuminated only by the smoggy sunset hanging above the cradle of the Bic® city like a mobile, the stars held up by strings, dangling above to commotion of it all.

I then slowly squirted up behind him, ready to go in for the kill, and I was ready to lunge at him and bite his pointy nips right out of the sockets. I reached down my coat pocket to snag some piano wire, and then, just inches before touchdown, the Jerry slowly creaked around, spun 590 degrees, and spotted me. Jerry smiled slyly.

"You thought you had me squared away, didn't you? You were wrong motherfucker, I knew you were coming here from the very start. Ever wondered why the cap didn't wipe your memory the second time? Well, I didn't take away a memory Carl, I planted one. I made you do this. You thought you were about to get to me, but boy were you wrong. This is a joke. You are a joke. Your emotions are like putty in my hands, and I played you like a game of handicap basketball. I made you love me Carl. And the cap, made you want revenge."

"Why the hell are you doing this?"

"It's all a game of blackjack Carl, and I'm the dealer. That's all it is."

"YOU SORRY SACK OF SHIT, YOU'LL FUCKING PAY!" I said, foaming at the mouth.

"Too late for that Carl, it's far too late."

Then, before I could react, he revealed the ominous red button under his desk, and smacked the shit out of it with no remorse.

The entire building began to shudder furiously. Rumbling and shaking, the walls began to crack and the lights flickered. It became clear to me that it was moving off the ground. This building was going in the air, but to god knows where. I could I could feel this building coming in the air tonight, oh lord.

"You'd better run quick Carl, I've got a quarter of my seinclone army closing in on this floor as we sppek." Said Jerry, in an alarming naisally wail.

"You bastard. You think you and your fancy tricks can get the better of me? No. I traveled too far for it to end like this. Eat my meat Jerald, you fucking wence, and prepare for a beating from which the likes you've never seen before" I scremd, charging at him with inhuman motivation. I tackled him, but inadvertently plowed into the window and burst out of it like a bullet with butterfly wings. This was the end, but once more the words of Chris Rock vibrated through my dry dry bones and achy soul: "Do never do a give in to the comedy man". Such eloquent poetry. However, this was not the time to muck around in my literature fetish.

As I was descending, I looked up and realised that jerry was still conscious, and had dove out after me. I got into my signature falling/fighting stance and prepared for battle.

I knew I couldn't be out here for long before I suffocated, so I begged the Invisible Sky-master for my life. When it almost seemed as if my prayer would go unanswered, a new Strato XL hovered just inches below my gross red shoes. Inside was Jimmie's lifeless carc. "Oh god, I'm sorry jim jim." I let go of Seinfeld's 288-1-800-Empire State Building and fell into the Spaceboat, crushing jimmy's vacuum packed body. When I did this, the Empire State Building accelerated at least 5000X faster than it was already going, it seemed the weight of my cumbersome yet soft shaft was holding it back. There was no way this Strato could keep up with that kind of swiftness. I looked at the control module and there was a large lever that had four settings: Normal Speed, Light Speed, Ridiculous speed, and WARP TOUR.

It was then that I knew what I had to do. I cranked that baby all the way up to maximum ass, and I was on my way.

Jeepers Creepers! I was there in less than a microsecond.

Dizzed and blinded from the insane speed, my sight crept slowly back to normal. My ship came to an alarming halt just a few miles outside the andromeda galaxy.

Last time I was in space, I didn't really have time to admire the beauty of it all. Everything was so calm from here. Back on earth it seemed sometimes that there was nothing but anger and chaos. But outside of it all, I got a feeling of something greater. I felt above it all, and at peace… Holy fuck what was that? No way… It was massive. It was terrifying. It was Bigger than anything I'd ever seen… It was… Kinda annoyingly Jewish. I couldn't believe my eyes, but then here it was though, right in front of me. A stupendous replica of jerry's very own noggin. It had many moons orbiting it's porris surface, and I could clearly see every pockmark and crevice on his powdery white cheeks. I saw the Empire State Building begin to enter the Seinhead through his gaping throde.

I need time to take this in, I mean, how am I supposed to deal with this level of shit right now? I think it's safe to say I have 100% reason to go to bed right about now. This is too much.


	6. EPISODE SIX: THE LEAP

EPISODE SIX: THE LEAP

I awoke in my Strato XL just ΣM = 0 jiffies away from the Seinhead's orbit with a woozily distorted sense of time.

It just hit me, it has been literally months since I'd taken a shower, but who honestly has time to do that when you have an evil Feld army swoocing right in your gaping wet wad all day erry day?

I found this to be the perfect opportunity to freshen up my facility, but when I went to see if I had any minty fresh head n' shoulders in the gelid quadrilateral to wash my blubbery bod, I found only a case of cold, lukewarm Flurp, Swiss Miss® Chocolate Sensation® and A1 bbq sizzle yo.

Oh snap crackle pop, I guess this will have to do. I spread the delicious ambrosia all over my tight leathery cracks, filling my pores with the black pus, clogging me tight, it reminded my of my own scrumptious bath water. Then I washed it down with a bit of that tasty festering yung lean Flurp I had found with it. I dried my mits and bits with Jim's patent pending Clean Orb he had left in his red rocket. May he rest in peaches.

Now that my pores are overflowing with white hard puss, my ass is grimy, and my stomach is full to the brim with assorted viruses, it's time to carry out my sick fantasy. I put on my tight full-body leather suit. I locked and I loaded, with my hadron collider, 12 gauge shotgun, and my .44 magnum tucked nice and snug into my now tightly folded taint. I was revved and ready 2 rock.

I DOVE with maximum force from the XL, kicking it backwards, abandoning it into deep deep space. I propelled directly for the Seinhead.

It seemed like hours before I reached the gooey receptacle known as " _ **The Head"**_ ®™, but I finally made it, seeing Jerry's giddy loose skin up close and personal like never before(I am aroused). When I latched on, I noticed that I was at his quadruple chin. I had to climb this fiend if I wanted to find the Seinking himself. It was the tallest object I'd ever seen. Probably bigger than Jupiter. But I proceeded with confidence. I equipped my ice pick® that I received for Christmas in the winter of 1991 and began violently thrashing at Jerude Feldstorm's flesh with it, pumping out his putrid candy pink blood. It tasted like bubble-gum medicine and smelled like a raunchy garlic-fueled expulsion. It let out a mighty wail and his thicc lines wrinkled wide across the surface, folding into an ocean of skin. The rippling waves nearly sent my round flesh stretching into the void, but I had practice my power glove grasp.

It took me a mega meaty moment but I finally arrived at the upper sein-region, but the cornea where Jerry entered was safe-vac vacuum sealed for maximum freshness.

I had to find another way in. I readied my sled and loosened my grip on his tight brawn and slid down at super speedy speeds. I now knew the way in, the breach, the infringement. I had to enter through the left nostril, that had to be it.

When my descent was complete, I ditched my sled, and watched it expand down the rest of the greasy lubed up facial, tickling seinfled's sexy, mucus-filled sniffer. Seinfeld's hot nose slowly and audibly schlicked open, getting ready for a good ol' fashioned schnoz blast ;). But instead, he stopped and snorted hard. I could feel (and smell) the air whirlwinding through my now green hair as it wooshed up his nose hole. I almost re-spilled my jizzum right there.

I proceeded into the nose and I had to fight a forest, or swamp rather, of prosthetic nose hair, but I drudged forward. As I foraged my way through the hairy jungle, I could feel his sour seductive nose tasting me. Upon reaching the top of his signature Sniff Pit, there was a small wooden door.

"How primitive." I thought. "It's… Daunting."

I swung the door open full force and was greeted by a dank basement like room. It smelled of weed.

I looked around and saw a group of Seinclone's having lunch at The Little Tykes Fun Table; they were playing a game of The Big Bang Theory SceneIt!®, where all of the people had been replaced with the same picture of jerry seinsein. Disgusting. Ah, shit! How was I going to deal with this situation?

oh wait

riddle diddle fiddle diddle.

I just remembered I had my FUUUUUCKING ARSENAL.

I equipped my shotgun and pumped out it's 12 gauge jizzums. I sprung out from behind cover and barraged them with harsh blows to the face with my infamous depleted uranium slugs, spreading their Seinbrains all over the fucking floor. I sprinted over and did a 720-FlipTurn-Spinner® which dragged my crotch across their assorted grey matter. It felt really meaty against my red hot disco stick and I lost [3] jizzums in the process; but unfortunately the pleasure to pain ratio was incredibly low. I salvaged a slightly-torn phanny pack off of one of the clones, where I stored my shotty and other instruments of sub-mass destruction.

However, one survived, but just barely. On his dying breath, he uttered "...leave this place with seinfeld reduced to nothing but slaught on a plate."

Oh my god. A… A defector? These things were completely thoughtless and acted purely on instinct, there's no way. I must carry out his wish. I must be the Wheezer I was always meant to be. I pulled out my trusty 44. and finished him off with a loud scowl and a blow to his chiseled jerry jaw.

After Seinclone 74,385 perished, I looked around the room for any more possible things I could use to my advantage. Nothing. I only saw a halfway deflated air mattress in the corner of the room. I decided to take a break here for a little while to ease my twisted wario.


	7. EPISODE SEVEN: THE BREACH

EPISODE SEVEN: THE BREACH

*Yawn* "Bow wow, that was easy peasy chicken squeezy." I said, gazing upon the now decaying Seinclone corpses. "Now, down to big boy bizzniss." I gathered my gear and buckled up, as I knew I was in for a WyLd RyDe!1!

As I scoured for an exit to this musty basement, as I was searching, I found a SeinheadHead Map.

"hmm this could be extreme" I thought. I stored it in the back of my titanium trousers until the time was right.

My stomach belched with a vile bile, and I knew what this meant. It was time for a Premium Slice. I ran for the door and almost opened it, but I realised that there would be thousands, maybe millions of Seinclones out there. There was no way I was going to make it.

I hatched a scheme hastily. I would wear a jear to disguise myself. I sprinkled over to the nearest Seinclone, and began removing it's baggy black trousers and that same fucking blue shirt vest he always wears in every goddamn photo.

The shirt and pantaloons were soaked with Sein Juice® and I couldn't help but take a lick as it passed over my fat nub. The familiar sweet taste of cotton candy washed over my tubular taste testers, and the sugar-rich saliva coated my thick tonsils and muscular throat as it forced itself down my gullet. I felt violated by Jerry in such a great and wonderful way it brought tears to my eyes with pleasure. Oh jerry-san… Tears formed in my eyes as I stared into the Seinclone's blue shirt and black vest and my mind drifted back to that fateful day on June 17th, 1999... The day of inception...

[" _can i ask you kind of a weird question?" I said._

 _jerry's eyes widened_

" _of course uhh anything you want to say, wheezy-poo."_

 _I swayed back and forth, puked out my breakfast, and kissed seinfeld passionately on his liquor liquor lips._

" _oh carly, u make my totoro go doki doki"_

" _oh jerryjerry, I want your jizzum"_

 _Jerry slipped on some_ _sexy music_ _and ripped off his sweaty shirt, revealing his white, white torso._

 _Carl slipped his fat long schlong out of his shitstained undergarms. Jerry greedily began gargling his wet lizard. He put it deep down his_ _cinco food tube_ _and began singing opera all over his fat cock, vibrating sensually. He began_ _grapefruiting_ _his massive pen island, the succulent taste of 90s nick slime makes jerry wet, sticky, and CERTAINLY very icky. Jerry extended his asshole in a tube-like fashion, going over the back of his head and onto carl's fatty nub. Carl jerked and worked his disco stick furiously into Jerry's seinhood, his cock throbbing and pulsating like a bouncy house full of sexy memes having their way in an orgy of penit-bubber. The tension was too much. He lifted seinfeld up onto the table, and started slapping his ass RAW. Jerry begged, "OH YES, PLEASE, GIVE ME MORE." Now jerry was beginning to become erect, his small yum rod poking slowly out of his uncut sheath. His glossy red slit was beginning to pulsate with pleasure. Carl had to do it, he had to release his dopamine. He plunged his alaskan bull worm deep into jerry's inescapable suck pit, burning him down into his core, where he'd become so numb._

 _ **Schluuurp!**_

 _Carl began releasing his pith into jerrys slobbering asshole with the force of a fire-hose._

" _My jizzums! My firey hot gooey is spilling all over your tight wad!"_

 _Jerry squirmed with pure pain and delight, spilling his white essence across three rows of tables, his flaming, red hot cum hit the back of someone's skull with machine gun force, blowing their brains out into the kitchen and splattering carl in the face with brain matter and Jerry's hot cumin, already soaked with lube and spit from their sexual misadventures._

" _Mm, Spicy" Carl murmured, licking his lips and wiping the remaining discharge off his deflated loins._

" _Ready for round two?" Said Seinfeld._

" _Oh baby, you know it."_

 _And then, I mounted jerry's sweet ass once more, before I went in for the kill._ ]

"Good god, I'm so fucking rock solid right now." I thought as I remembered the sweet, sweet taste of Jerry's waste. I proceeded to slip on the bullet-riddled vest. I was now fully veil'd. I ran up the stairs of this weathered basement and bashed open the door. And there they were, thousands of them, walking in formation like a colony of ants marching towards Jerry's spicy juices. They were sickening, and leading them was who I could only assume from his medals was their Sein-Sergeant. I quickly hasted into their loose formation, blended in and hid myself from the platoon of Seinclones in plain sight. I'm a fucking genious.

As we marched further into this massive, coliseum-like room, I had a prompt look-see around the room, it resembled a Costco freezer, or maybe a fallout shelter. The roof was a mile high and you couldn't see one wall from the other. I squinted hard and swung my head to a 45° angle , I wanted a full ocular pat down on this facility before I began my full scale attack. But what I saw really shivered my timbers, it was Jerry. Not a clone, not a phony doppelganger, but Jerry, in all his hot glory. He was dressed in his signature shirt and vest, but his loinal region was covered by his apple-bottom jeans, and his feet were engulfed by his pair of Boots with the Fur. He had also donned a six star helmet, a ranking so high he must've invented it. He made his way to a luxurious podium positioned in the center of the massive stage looming over us, stepped up the the mic, and gave it a quick test. It released an ungodly feedback, dear lord, the sound system in this place was massive! There was a wall of sunn model T-s, 4000 wide and 45 tall I estimated. And then, he spoke, his voice through these wonderful speakers was nearly orgasmic, I would've released myself right there, but thankfully the words he uttered broke my sexual trance.

"Welcome, brothers! We gather here today, standing arm in arm to support a common cause. Something we can all stand by. Something wholesome, something good, something courageous. Or goal? World renewal. Together, we can create a new era of life, a new generation of humanity, and a greater, more powerful race of mankind!"

The crowd threw up their fists and shouted in correspondence to his powerful dictation.

I scanned the crowd with disgust. So many Seinfelds, all in the same room. My mind began to drift towards the possibilities... Thankfully, though, the speech began again before my naughty mind could progress too far into the lusty thought.

"With my leadership, and your cooperation, we can conquer the world, and usher in a new era: An era of prosperity, and power. An era…

OF SEINHOOD!"

The crowd chanted with him.

" _SEIN_ _H_ _OOD! SEINHOOD! SEINHOOD! SEINHOOD!_ "

Oh god. They... they were fucking AMPED.

"However. There still stands one obstacle in the path of our divine crusade."

A massive banner unfurled, draping from the ceiling and falling like hail. The banner was massive, black, and it had my face on it. My heart skipped a beat, and my throde swole right up. The seinfelds began booing, screaming, hollering and howling, their faces contorting as they maneuvered their lips into an open circle to squeeze out and croon their savory shouts.

I couldn't take any more of this nonsense propaganda. I was fucking steaming. I reached down my trousers and clutched my .45 mag, but before I withdrew my weapon, my reason core snapped into place. Now wasn't the time. I had to wait for the perfect moment to strike.  
Jerry raised a gnarly four finger salute, adjourning the sinister meeting. He walked off stage, probably to return to his captain quarters I presume, but he was quickly rushed by raving fans. They held out their special edition Seinfeld box sets, hoping that he'd sein them. That raised their value ten-fold. This was it. The perfect time. I pushed and clawed my way through the crowd of copy cats, swoocing right into the front row. The Seinclones barely noticed me, focussing all their attention on the main seintraction. I snagged a sharpie and a season 4 sein-plushie from an unsuspecting clone. I stood at the velvet rope, and held the doll out in front of me expectantly.

"Leader leader! Please sign my favourite toy!" He turned in my direction and smiled sweetly. He grabbed the pen, and began signing. As he jotted his swirly sig, I inched my little fingers down the back of my crotch, reaching for my fun gun. I was so nervous, I began to sweat, and he began to sniff.

*snarf snarf*

"Hey… That smell… That smells like…"

Jear bear spotted me, and hastily snatched the pistol out of my hand, snapping my wrist. He screamed for security, and I was surrounded. The guards began knocking me senseless with the big black billy bats, knocking me clean the fuck out.


	8. EPISODE EIGHT: THE BUSTING

EPISODE EIGHT: THE BUSTING

I woke up in the lower Seincranium Correctional Facility when I heard "Time to rise and shine." said by a Seinborg Prison Warden. I opened my eyes, and the sweltering, white-hot pain in my wrist almost overwhelmed me.

"Breakfast time." he said, tossing the gross slop through the cold, iron bars. I had no idea what the fuck it was, when it hit the ground it began to flounder uncontrollably. I walked over to the juicy slice and slurped it good. It tasted just like a bowl-cut pile-driven into Ed Hardy's cup and sprayed with Axe Anarchy™.

"I can't live like this. I need to GET AWAY!"

I retrieved some scratch paper from my deep dark cavernous ass and began scribbling my top secret plan. It was absolutely illegible, but absolutely genius.

As the seinborg swooced right by, I let out a primal wail and lunged. I fucking raised my skinny fists like antennas to seinheaven, and grabbed ahold of the seinborg's shitty little arm. I yanked and yonked vehemently, pounding the body against the bars. He screamed for me to stop, but I wouldn't let get go. I pulled with all my might, my feet planted on the bars, giving me the mightiest leverage. I could hear his weak robo-ligaments snapping like rubber bands and as he let out a final agonizing shriek. The arm smacked right off, revealing his whack mustard blood. I flew backwards and slammed head first against the back wall of my cell, clutching his toy arm to my chest. It took me a minute or two to calm down, but my blood quickly devaporated from a searing hot mist to it's standard boiling temperature in an instant. I then looked down and realised what I had done, the beautiful cyborg arm was now in my possession, it was even more awe inspiring than I had predicted. But there it was, in all it's glory.

Now for the fun part.

I now knew my next duty. I teared up a bit at the realization, but I had to. It was time to say gd!by to my lovely branch. I had to now suffer the pain I'd made the sad sad seinborg endure. I grabbed at my bicep, clenched the sein-arm in my teeth, and released only fragments of a scream through my clenched teeth. I pulled my arm like toenails from toby. I could feel the flesh snapping like biting into a hotdog, the sensation rippled up my body and I could feel it it my gums especially. I could feel each stringy strand of muscle resigning it's duties one by one, tearing and peeling like rotten beef. I could almost feel them scream, as the serrated sensation of pure pain shot shivers up my cortex.

Despite my brute, guerrilla force, I could not completely crack all of the tendons in my thin, bleach white arm.

I had to resort to extreme measures.

I frowned at the thought, but I hadn't just crippled myself only to not follow through. I slowly shambled across my cell, and when I reached the bars, I anxiously slid my humerus through.

Here we go.

The sweat began to pour down my waxy face, as I mounted the bars once more and got ready for a good tug. I folded my arm in and around the bars, with my bicep wrapped cleanly around for extra leverage. My hands were locked and my feet were once more planted firmly on the bars. I pulled with all my ten tons of torque. I could feel the bone begin to uproot from my shoulder, splintering like driftwood on a beach. The pain radiated up my body and blacked out my mind. I wretched and spewed and wept as I put great effort into tearing out my own fucking arm, but my bones were practically steel. I jolted my body back from the bars again and again, throwing my ridiculous weight back and forth, I could hear an audible creek every time. But before it came flying clean off like a lego, the bone split in two. However, my tasty skin was blocking me from removing the blasted appendage. I grabbed ahold of the sein-borg arm, and used its steeley hands to cut through my thick rubbery flesh. As I severed the final layer of skin, blood began to burst from my stupid stub, covering the walls with a new coat of scarlet paint.

I had to stop the bleeding fast, so I grasped the new robotic arm and thrusted it rightly into my bleeding nub nub. "AAAAAAAAA HOLY FUCKING SHIT" I yelped. It was on, and the bleeding had somewhat subsided, but I could not move my new limb just yet, I had to hook it up. I then painstakingly crammed each wire of the robot arm down my blood vessels, I assumed this would work. It was very hard to grab onto my veins, which were squirming like worms in the rain, but when I got ahold of each one, I crammed a wire right in.

This was absolutely the most painful thing I had ever felt, worse than those kidney stones back in 2014. But when I calmed down, I realised that this new bionic lobe was far more efficient than my biological one ever was. I twisted and contorted my new robo arm, it was capable of so much shit. Time to test it out!

I used my newest member to grasp the cell door and yanked hard. The door blasted off the hinges with ease, much easier than my fucking arm. I rolled out of my cell quickly and began fidgeting down the hall.

I made my way down the hall, and nearly reached the exit to the prison, but then I realised I was still in a Seinfeld© Signature Season One Jumpsuit™ and had none of my kool geer.

Where the fuck did that late 90s pun-pack take all of it? I swang me hed left and right, restlessly lookin round for me weapons, but alas, I'm gonna have to do this the old fashioned way.

I kicked down the door which tore a hole right through the cheap black loafers, and searched the warden's office for a possible weapon. Oh wait, fuck that. I have the robot arm.

I bolted out of the office and the first thing I did was impale a guard, just for fun. My fist went straight through his crotch, and I held him up by his new hole for interrogation.

"Where did you put my shit, dumbass?"

"Oh gee! It's in the locker room!"

"Which fucking locker?"

"Last locker on the left! The real old rusty one!"

I dropped him and sprinted off, leaving him to bleed out. Locker room here I come. The locker room was further away than I expected. It had to be at least 30 miles away from the Seincranium Correctional Facility, or so it seemed. Every hall, looked the same. Each hallway was nearly half a mile long of just straight white full bright nothing. Although in hindsight, it was probably just my imagination, it felt as if each hall was more cramped than the last, like the walls were closing in on me. It got harder and harder to breathe each hall.

But at the end, was a room. A central hub so to speak. It was a massive circular room with nine hallways surrounding it, one of which was the one I had entered from. I spun 720 degrees and found the one I was looking for.

"LOCKER ROOM" it read, in the Seinfeld font. Yes. This is the one I want. I carefully grabbed the door handle, trembling, and trying my best to replicate the way Jerry opened the door to Orchid Thai. The door creaked open, and I peaked in.

It was dark, almost impossible to see. I sure could use my Jim-Vision goggles right about now. The room was lit only by a small television set, quietly playing an episode from season three of Seinfeld, the one where jerry befriends a fat nudist on a subway. God I love this show. My eyes adjusted to the darkness and I walked slowly toward the television, which was at the end of the hall. When I got there I violently veered my head to the left, nearly killing myself.

But in the next hall over, a spooky yellow glow caught a glint in my eye. I slinked around the corner, and noticed the strange title over this door. "Weird." I thought. Out of curiosity, I reached for the door knob, and when the door opened, I witnessed true horror, so unbelievably terrifying, that I filled my trousers and blacked out on the spot.


	9. EPISODE NINE: THE FIGHT

EPISODE NINE: THE FIGHT

I awoke in a cold sweat, quickly jolted to my feet and began rubbing my eyes. "What in the goddamn?" I whispered to myself, looking around.

The massive circular room was lined with 8 foot tall rotating tubes. The tubes were filled with viscous yellow gak, illuminating the room with their radiant glow. The tubes were in stacks, and the room was miles high. Looking up was like being a very small man in a huge version of one of the individual tubes. I stood there, shocked, taking it all in, but the nastiest had yet to come.

I squinted _**HARD**_ at one of the toobz; zooming in fast, and then upon closer inspection, it occurred to me that these were no ordinary tubes, these were cloning tubes.

Some of them held fully developed seinclones, others had half complete clones, and some had completely normal humans.

So this is where the came from, huh?

This is where all of my problems since 1999 have originated. Right here, in this room.

I was just about to turn around and retrieve my belongings, but then I got inspired to do the unthinkable. I was going to reduce this cloning facility to a smoldering pile of ash, and send these would-be clones straight to the gates of hell. I walked to the center of the room, searching for the control module, but to no avail. I searched and searched until I finally found it near one of the tubes in the very back of the room.

This tube was different from the others, it seemed to have been made with more outdated technology than the others. It was dated May 15th, 1998 at the foot of it was a sign that read "my 1st clone :)" and a moldy, half eaten cheese pizza.

I put my hand on the tube, looking in on the very first false feld, watching him float there timelessly in the warm yellow sludge. It brought a tear to my eye, but at the same time angered me to my core.

Enough fooling around, someone's bound to spot me down here any moment. I assumed control of the module and began browsing seinfelds most top secret files.

Yes, here it is. I finally found a folder titled " _emergencies only"_ I opened it and there were several files:

 _sein_head__

 _seinclone_cloning__

 _empire_state__

 _dear__

 _rare__

and _loading_bay__

So many options, so little time. I clicked _seinclone_cloning__ and a message appeared that read " _Are you sure you want to abort all functions of Seinclone Cloning Facility Immediately and Without Question? Y/N"_

"Y"

" _Enter password:"_

I pondered on it for a moment and typed in "carlishotxoxo"

" _Password accepted"_

The second I slammed my tiny fist on the enter key, each and every one of the nasty tubes began bursting in a violent combust, and the goo began pouring out at a rapid pace. I had to escape quickly. I ran for the door, but I was already neck deep in lukewarm gak by the time I was halfway there. I had to use my signature swimming technique I had learned from my mentor, David Hasselhoff, which included ingesting as much as possible to make a clear path to walk. I was simultaneously sprinting and sucking in all of the gak in front of me like some sort of horrible, muscular, half robot noo-noo. I made it to the door, jumped through, closed it, and swallowed deeply.

Whew… That was a close one, I sat there to take a breather and then dispose of the 70+ pounds of gak I'd just inhaled.

I ran to the nearest drinking fountain, arched over, and began screaming into the drain, expelling all of the nast I had slurped up.

Exhausted, I gathered myself, and carried on. It was time to get my stuff back.

Oh shit! The fucking alarm started to sound! I sprang toward the locker room, searching hard. I spotted the back left rusty locker, went over, grabbed my shit, and booked, heading back into the large rotunda room. It was time for some thinking on the fly. It took me less than a microsecond to hatch a clever plan. It was fucking genius. I looked around me for the hallway I wanted, and there it was "CARGO BAY".

Time to blast this seinshit once and for all. I was finna steal a ship, get far away, and destroy the Seinfeld Seinhead Head from a distance.

Making my way through another four miles of hallway, things started to get really intense. As I stormed to the cargo bay, I could hear the march of at least 100 seinclones chasing me, hot on my tail. They were chanting " _ **SEINHOOD SEINHOOD SEINHOOD SEINHOOD"**_ as they pursued me, just far enough away that I couldn't see them. It was absolutely unbearable, it got louder and louder with every echo, and eventually all I could hear was once big Jear-Bearn cocoghany. It was like every episode of seinfeld played over each other, just one loud Seinsound.

I this was the fastest I'd ever gone before. I had to be going at least 40 miles per hour. Oh thank fuck, there it was! Then end of this tunnel!

I began to tear up. I destroyed Jerry's chances of ever creating more Seinclones, and now all I had to do was kill the remainder of his army then do away with the (hot) fuckup would-be dictator himself. Victory was mine.

I reached the cargo bay and immediately began looking for a ship that I could use to make my daring escape. I saw my Strato tied up at the docks with a smiley face balloon attached to the rearview mirror. It was reliable, but for a mission such as this, it just wouldn't do. I needed more firepower. I tossed my head around, squinting hard, when I spotted it. Jerry's very own SpaceBoat XL. I knocked towards it, hastily screeching away from the imminent sein-army. I approached the ship, opened the hatch, and what I saw frightened me.

Out from the hatch, emerged a familiar figure and whole lotta fog. The figure was a long, tan, handsome, and jewish.

"Not so fast, Carl." He mackled.

"What? How did you find me so quick sein-fucker!?"

"You think I'd jail your ass without putting a tracker on you? I knew you'd try and pull some shit. I just wanted to watch."

The Seinking himself stood before me now, and his entire legion was at my back like nuclear wind, the scene was intimidating to say the least.

I tried. I really did. But this was it.

"Did you think you could get out of here alive Carl? DID YOU?" Jerry said in a dark, angry tone.

"Did you think you could just sneak into MY Seinhead and put the mean sneed down on my OWN clones!? Huh? WELL YOU WERE FUCKING WRONG BOY. You're about to pay a most unholy price for your actions, Carl. Say your prayers."

I closed my eyes and accepted my fate. Jerry Seinfeld had gotten the better of me, and this was the end of the road.

He lifted me up by my ass, cupping my cheeks like glasses of wine, and holding me like a baby above his head.

"Unacceptable. Kill him." Jerry said, calmly.

I heard the sound of a thousand laser gunz cocking and ready for rocking. I took in a deep dish breath. This was it.

I heard a loud crash to the left of me, thinking it was the last sound I'd ever hear. My eyes were shut _TIGHT_ , and I was terrified. But after like 10 seconds passed, I realised I hadn't beefed it just yet. My baby soft ass plopped onto the ground as Jerry tossed me and retreated. Opening my eyes, I saw a great battle, it was an incredible sight. An entire brigade of at least 400 of the HUEGHS poured in to my rescue. The Sein-army was getting absolutely smak'd. He fled the area _FAST_ leaving his Feld Corps to fend for themselves. What an absolute trashole.

The HUEGHS used spears as their weapons, skewing everything that wasn't them, chanting " **HA HOO JEARIBOU** " extremely loudie. It was a violent bloodbath that lasted for what seemed like no time at all. When at least a quarter of the Seinclones were dead, Jerry sounded the alarm from the next room over and called for an unconditional retreat back to the Sein-Quarters.

"AFTER HIM." I SCREAMED.

I wasn't about to let this sweet opportunity pass me by.

I got up and hobbled toward Jerry's excape route as fast as my straw thin legs would allow me.

The HUEGHS began to celebrate their victory as I dashed out thru tha 6. Jerry would not get away.

I spun 90's and 480's at every corner, this place was a maze if I'd ever seen one. I was disoriented, and the only thing guiding me was the sounds of Jerry's frantic panting and clacking of his fragile brown shoes. I was aroused.

At last, I had cornered him.

"Well, Jerry… You put up a good battle, but I guess it's finally my turn to lay down the hurt." I sneered.

Jear bear seemed unreasonably calm, with a hand on his hip and a snide little grin on his face.

Without a word, he suavely smacked the wall next him and it revealed a big lever.

"Ta-ta sweetie. ;)" Said he, pulling out his blaster and punching a hole through my thicc gut.

As I lay there, passing out slowly, I saw jear bear yank the lev and teleport. The sign above his head read: DESTINATION: PLANET EARTH.


	10. EPISODE TEN: THE SURPRISE

EPISODE TEN: THE SURPRISE

I woke up screaming as my eyes shot open like birds. I stood up, I was dizzy, but I could make out my surroundings. I saw a very familiarly red booth with a stagnating flurp can and a greasy stain the same shape as my body.

"What the funk!…" I uttered, softly.

I looked up at and saw a nostalgic a slender figure trapped on the ceiling.

This was the same HUEGH that had warned me to evacuate the last time I was here. He was still blinking the same message; "ESCAPE".

I decided to thank him for helping me last time by pulling out my revolver and blasting him one square in the chest. He let out a cry and started coughing up kraft cheese dust, which fell right into my old, gone-flat flurp. Which reminds me, I never leave a can unfinished.

*GULPIE*

Man, that reminded me of my childhood.

I was reflecting on what great memories I'd made here in this very restaurant with my best of friends, Jimmy and Sheen. I miss them. Just as I was about done reminiscing, I heard the clacking of clean-cut caboopers behind my mass. I turned my neck 540 degrees, and aimed my Fun-Gun!™ over my shoulder.

"Stop right there dipshit."

The figures converged from the shadows revealing themselves as the gang of HUEGHS .

They began beeping the same message in unison. It was fucking loud.

"WELCOME BACK."

I was momentarily terrified, but quickly my terror was replaced by shock.

Out from the crowd of lifeless drones emerged a slim, tasty figure dressed in sparkly sequence green.

"Hello carl."

I stared, mouth agape and hands frozen at my sides.

It was my Judith. My beautiful booze bag baby.

"Judy!? What in GODS NAME are you doing here!?" I said, trembling with lust.

"These are my subservients." She said.

"I use them to get what I want. And what I want, is you Carl."

I gulped hard, which was audible enough for my Jood-Jood Binks to hear.

"But first Carl, we have important matters to discuss. Come with me to my office."

She strutted throughout the sea of HUEGHS, parting them like a comb through my hair. We walked to the McSpanky's manager's office.

At the door were two HUEGHS with spears, but she signaled to let me pass.

Entering the office, I noticed a waft of Morning Dew Mist and Refresh Febreze, my favourite. She had known I'd be here.

"Carl, I've brought you here to discuss something very important to me." Judy said.

"You're not the only one on Jerry's hit list. He tricked us Carl. He ruined our lives. All of us. This was all a distraction. This whole time, Jerry's been baiting us out into space, far away from home, just to get us out of his way. Don't you see Carl? It's all been a wild goose chase staged to get us away from earth, and now that the planet is without our protection, it is all his for the taking.

He built the Seinhead as a false front, Carl. It was all staged from the start. The prison cell, the speech, everything. It all happened to me too. It was set up, like a haunted house, each event was planned, all just to distract us. That Seinfeld you saw at the speech? The real Jerry Seinfeld wasn't even on board. They were all just clones. This whole time, Jerry has been down on earth, conquering it country by country, burning every forest and home in front of him, and his Seinclone army is nearly a billion strong. You haven't even seen the half of it, Carl. I don't know what he wants, but he isn't willing to negotiate it."

Dear god… Is all of this true? Has Jerry really had me squared away this whole time? Would he truly be the one to enjoy the rest of his day?

"Judy… I don't know what to say." I said.

"You don't have to say anything Carl. What I need from you is a pledge of allegiance. A pledge to join me and stomp out this threat once and for all. One clone at a time."

"How are we going to do that?"

"We're going back to earth."

"Yeah, but how though?"

"I'll show you in just a moment. For now, I only need your pledge."

"FINE. You have my word, bitch."

"Good." She said.

"Now follow me,"

Judy got up out of her seat and walked out of the office, I rolled closely behind. She led me through the main room and to the starboard bow of the McSpanky's, leading to the garage door. She inserted a massive skeleton key into the modern looking lock, and twisted. The door swung open and so did my jaw.

"Here it is Carl. Your ticket back home."

I saw there, in the middle of the garage, illuminated by one hanging bulb, my Strato XL. But this time, it had been fully upgraded. They somehow managed to harvest the scraps from outside the seinhead's orbit and restore it to its original, classic condish. I hadn't seen it this beauty since Jim used to fix it up. It was equipped with jets capable of ten times the speed that that Jearfucker was whizzing at, a new windshield that was tinted from the inside (effectively blinding me), and a new leather seat made out of the skin of the first Seinclone I'd sliced. Sweet. Even the decal on the side was new, it read " _THERMO XL_ ".

"Oh my god, you did this?" I said, ogling my new ride.

"Indeed, Carl. The HUEGHS did all the work themselves. I designed the blueprints, however." She said strongly.

"Thanks Judy. Jim jim would be so proud of you."

She smiled gracefully.

"Carful though, the HUEGHS completely changed the control panel, but with a little patience, you can-"

"HOLY SHIT THIS THING ROCKS." I yelled, paying no attention to Judy's warning.

I vaulted over the side of the rocket and slammed the first button I saw, not even fully seated yet.

"Carl, wait!" I heard Judy scream over the revving engine of my new rocket.

I saw her mouth a few words in my rear-view mirror, before seeing her and McSpanky's fade away in record time. Ho baby, this thing head some fucking TORQUE, HOO HA!

I began swerving and curving left and right, drifting into orbits and leaving just as quick. This baby handled like a dream. I smacked a few more buttons in, and leaned forward for a more aerodynamic flight. Holy moley, this thing was off the hook.

"Alright:" I thought

"I think I've gotten the hang of this thing, now to really put it to the test."

I slammed in the warp speed button, crushed the gas pedal, and cranked the fucker into 6th gear.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

I was now going triple light speed toward god knows where, I could literally see myself passing time, and before I knew it I was completely lost in a time vortex.

As I sped through the absence of space, things got a bit shifty. The darkness around me began to swirl into neon clusters of star shaped dust, contrasting with the extreme darkness around it. My vision began to tunnel, and everything beyond me elongated. I looked down at my hands. They appeared miles long and were trembling like skyscrapers in an earthquake. Looking up once more, I saw something I knew I was never meant to see. The vortex was swirling faster now, tossing and turning into one grand smear of color. I bent over and heaved in my seat, busting the controls of my brand new rocket. I was now completely at the mercy of the void. The engine was whirring faster and faster, turning into a deafening high pitched whine. The vast sounds of echoes in the nothingness did no good for me either. Going faster and faster now, my vision started flashing. Colors appeared and vanished before my very mind, flashing images of true horror. Supernovas burning away at my flesh, worlds being consumed by black holes, time reversing, and the edge of reality. Nothing could have prepared me for this. The noise from the engine had plateaued, leaving me suspended at terminal speed, with the visions getting even worse than before. I couldn't take this anymore. I unbuckled my seatbelt, and jumped overboard.


	11. EPISODE ELEVEN: THE RIDE

EPISODE ELEVEN: THE RIDE

I awoke in my very own bed. Huh.

"What a strange dream." I muttered to myself.

I weezed right out of my sheets, indirectly causing the spilling of a loud yawn from my lengthy lippies.

"Fuuuuuuuuck." I groaned in my signature Skoal™ stained accent. "I must of gotton fucked up on the dipp last night."

I inspected my body for dipping related stains and found several scars and a robotic arm. This was no dream at all! I'd been sporting a tattered treek of my regulars and my arm was sneedily severed. I dialed the 911, it was answered before even the first ring had rung.

"Jerry Seinfeld speaking, how can I help you?"

I slammed the phone shut. This call had confirmed my suspicions, Seinclones had taken over the town.

I looked out my window and there they were. Hundreds of them. Walking their pets, taking a jog, and telling the same goddamn jokes to each other like 90's reruns they were.

I reached for my gun.

I sprinted down the stairs and slipped on my sneeks. I sat down for a bowl of chunkee-o's and hesitantly hatched a heck of a plan. Downing my meal, bite by bite, I considered my options.

Hmm… I could go down in a blaze of glory… No, too dangerous.

I could use the sewers… No, too cliché...

Shit! I've got it! The good ol' tried 'n' tru'!

I coiled heavily towards my door and poked my fat face right out of the mail slot. My fat, flashy lip-balmed-lips doubled over through the slot, I was able to release a whisper.

"Pssst! Hey! Seinshit! Hobble on over!"

I caught the attention of afformentioned seinshit, causing his ass to hobble.

"Why, what can i do for y-"

The job was done. I'd lured in my prey. I reached my tiny right hand through the mail slot, latching onto his shirt and yaking him unclean through the now glossy red slot. His body was ground beef but his clothes and head were intact. I popped my glock in his mouth and made a brain slushy. Fuck sake man, this is too easy. After mopping up the Seinclone remains and washing the washed-out tux, I slid cleanly into my new set of sein-sheets. I was completely disguised - and horny.

It's time to see what's fucking what here. I walked outside cautiously, trying to my best to not seem out of the ordinary. I strutted confidently, bopping my head to the beat of the constantly blaring Seinfeld theme song broadcasted by speakers on street poles.

I walked for a few miles and eventually passed Orchid Thai. Oh the memories. I walked through the revolving door and it was completely vacant. Cobwebs had taken over every booth, except mine and Jerry's, which was still grossly stained and perfectly dusted. There was even a plate of decaying beef wellington on the table. I shed a tear and walked out, lighting my molotov.

I threw it through the window and watched that store go up in flames. It was a beautiful sight. I carried on.

The closer I got to downtown, the more dystopian things looked. The streets were cracking, and building were leveled, there were also an increasing amount of Seinclones.

"LOL I 3 MUNCHING ON POOPSI" said one of the Seinclones, or at least that's what I heard. "Me t00!" I exclaimed, attempting to blend in.

He gave a wide but awkward grin and walked off with it.

Enough of this shit. I need to get out of this town before I go insane. I quietly began snapping my head around looking for the perfect automobile to escape with.

"There's one." I whispered to myself.

I used my eyes to see if anyone was watching before I smashed the window. They saw.

I slithered through the broken window, glass shards gashing into my torso. I jammed my robot arm into the base of the steering wheel, automatically hotwiring the car and locking onto the axle. Time to ride motherfucker.

"FUCK WHO'S WATCHING." I screeemd out the window before smashing it through the fields and felds and onto Highway 65. Time to make my way downtown. I had a hunchy punch that Sein-Dad would be there.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened to this highway? The sweet street was lined with craters, and the occasional dud-bomb that had failed to carry out its one mission.

"Hmm… Just in case…" I muttered, lifting a massive bomb off of the road and tying it loosely to the roof of my new-found family truckster.

I slumped right back into my vehicle, and dropped a brick on the gas pedal. After a short break of watching some YouTube videos while my car was on "Auto Pilot", I began to notice that shit got weirder and weirder the closer I got. Every mile the bombshells got fresher. Some of the craters them still steamy steamy like mama's meatballs mmmmmmm.

I assumed control of the wheel and began steering like a madman, and peaking at 85 miles per hour. God this thing is a piece of shit. I wish I had my Thermo right about now.

I swiped my fat face to the side and noticed a crowd of Sein-Straddlers along the side of the long and winding road. They were huddled together, holding a sign that read "NEW YORK OR BUST".

I swung hard to the left and smacked those fuckers with the front end of my car. No hitchhiking in my town motherfuckers.

Now that my car was staind with blood I was ready for business. I did a signature squint and saw smoke on the (water) horizon.

As I sped nearer and nearer to ground zero it became apparent that this was Jerry's newest target. This battle was fresh off the grill. A Seinclone-130 cargo ship was was closely hovering above the city, casting an ominous shadow as well as parachuting supplies and Seinclones down to battle. I was now just outside the city. Beyond me I saw US military troops trying but failing to fight off the clones. They were pinned down behind a concrete divider on the side of the road, hundreds of clones rushing **hard** towards the good men in camo.

It was time for me to do my duty to the country. I plopped my sick brick down on the pedal once more, and rolled down my window. I crawled onto the top of the car with crowbar in hand, mounting the bomb like the valiant steed it was. The wind in my face was exhilarating, and the thought of killing was a bonus.

"Almost there… Almost… Aaaaaaand… NOW!"

I wound up hard and bashed down on the bomb with my crowbar, once, twice, three times, BOOM.

I was out like a light, but so were the hundreds of clonespushing on my brothers in armor. Another victory for unconscious Carl.


	12. EPISODE TWELVE: THE TREK

EPISODE TWELVE: THE TREK

I awoke flying through the air. Weird. I was only knocked out for a split second, almost as if it was only a plot device to progress a story or something. Huh.

However, my existential crisis was promptly cut off by a blow to a brick wall, smashing my ribs. ouch.

I lifted myself up off the ground, my ribs sucking back into place. This was no time to quit. Time to assess my surroundings.

"K Street." The sign read.

Good, not far from the center of the city.

Seinfeld had to be in the Capitol, it was too perfect to not be a villain's base of operations. A symbol of power that not even a biff-bag such as he could resist.

I proceeded west, sprinting for 10th Street as fast as my leggies would let me. As I ran, every street I passed was occupied by the Sein-army. They were ruthless, raiding buildings, looting items, and burning houses.

To my left, I saw a small girl being held by the arms of a cynical clone, being dragged out of a burning building. She was kicking and screaming, pleading for the Seinclones to let her go. I knew her fate, soon she would become nothing more than another Seinclone Micro™.

"HEY SUCKS TO BE HER RIGHT NOW! HAHAHHA." I shouted towards the Sein Cru, pointing at the misfortunate runt.

The army laughed in correspondence. As much as I loathed them, they had a great sense of humor.

Trekking onward thru tha 6, I came over a hill and saw the capitol building in the far gnar distance. I was beginned the running so fastly that my leggaroos went stupid and I could see the steam begin to rise from my gut. "Oh jeez luiz I'm fucking hungy" I said as my stomach gave out a gurgle. "I could _SO_ use a chomp to swallow" My head began rotating until I spotted the perfect place to take a load off: _Squeez on' Inn_ The said the sign. "Oh wowie wow wow I need to fill my mouth with some heaping piles of gross cheese skirts right now or else my jizzum is gonna burst out my mouth." I flopped down to the dineria and burst the sliding doors off their frames. The cashier was huddled meretriciously in the corner.

"Hey sexy boy, I need the slop. Gimme uhhhhhh…"

The cashier rudely interrupted my order, hadn't he ever heard of customer service?

"YOU GOTTA HELP ME MAN, THESE CLONES, THEY'RE KILLING EVERYONE. PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE."

"Uhh, excuse you Mr. Bilious Boy, I came here for some fucking food and you give me that kind of lip? I can't even. Give me my double cheesy or I'll smash your tiny head on that grill."

"PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE. THEY'RE COMING, PLEASE!"

"Yeah yeah, what the fuck ever man, but that's not important, okay? What's important is that you cook me up a fucking hamburger before I end your life quicker than even the clones could. Now get in that kitchen and start grillin', Dylan."

I walked him into the kitchen with my loaded HK at the back of his neck."PLEASE, I'M BEGGING Y-" I pulled the trigger and painted the stove-tops with his tissue.

Looks like I'd have to make the burger myself.

I turned the stove on maximum heat, collected my ingredients, and threw them all on expecting a good outcome. God, it just looked too good, I had to fucking eat it now. I slopped down my jaw and scooped up my pile. Mmmmmm.

And then, I tried for hours, fucking hours, but I eventually I had got it right. The arrangement, the condiment balance, I even got the greasy cheese skirt to bow at the corners. This thing looked so fucking good.

Time to eat.

I filled every orphus of my face with the greasy pleasure, grinding the oily patty against my forehead and letting the orange juices cascade down my face, then allowing the catsup to flow down into my open and heavily flared nostrils. My sniffer was filled with divine pleasure as I awaited each new bite with bated breath. Every munchy bunchy was a new, almost sexual sensation, and I felt my knob start to grow lumpy. I could no longer fight the temptation. I clawed open the burger, closely examining the tight, wet insides. I leaned in close, closed my eyes and began slowly licking up and down the contours of the tomato, savouring every seed. Fuck. Each ingredient was being coated with drops of my glistening oils, making each and every bite just that much more tasty. That was it, I couldn't take this teasing any longer. My willy was at full torque. I needed to _feel_ the burger in ways no one had ever thought possible. **Time to stick my cock in it**. I wanted it's warmth to fill me full, and I wanted to fill it full of my gooey glot, and then taste it's sweet and sour lovey smooj. I slowly slid the burger down my front and began rubbing it across my ween, teasing it gently. I could hear my clean cock squeak from the mayonaise each time I thrusted forward into it's moist sesame seed buns. It made me feel so so good, so it was time for me to start giving back to the beautiful burgah. I grabbed the burger firmly by its base and pulled down my soiled trousers. "FUCK ME IN THE ASS, BROTHER!" I yelled as I forced upside my rectum. The burger squirted mustard all over my sweet cheeks as it punched into my wallowing anal cavity. Fuck. I'd accidentally shoved it a little too far, and I could feel it start to slip through my organs, up my lungs, and finally out of my mouth once more. My gag reflex activated itself as the burger pushed through my adam's apple. It squirted more condiments down my throat and I greedily swallowed it all. I let the burger roll off my tongue and onto my hands, where it sat, sopping wet with carl juice. "Oh, hello again." I said as I started dryhumpin' the burger. "You're not done yet, baby boy ;0." I balled up my love and started hittin' hard.

Time for the good ol' slap slap, clap clap.

I slipped on some sexy music and I just went at it.

I ravaged the burger, pounding my fleshy stick in and out, the excess cheese squelching and screaming with each thrust. I could feel the burger start to boil as the kinetic energy of my barbed dick caused ripples in it's cantaloupe surface. I had to finish. I thrusted in, faster and faster, making extratone with the slaps of my muffin top onto its baby bun.

"Oh, OH, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH PATTY FUCK ME YES YES YES YES PLEAS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOO"

My massive peenie weenie was now so large that it stuck out the other side of the burger, spewing my seed onto the still burning stove. He was drenched in my caulky slobber and I was elated with newfound pleasure. The orgasmic chemicals filled my brain and in that moment, I felt no pain at all. Each bitty bit of my bod was feeling absolutely euphoric "There goes the jizzum, woopsies!" I moaned out, tossing the faithful patty aside after taking one last bite.

After my quick burg break, I left a few dollars for the good times and the new memories before I headed back onto the streets.

"Whew" I breathed.

I began sprinting down the sidewalk once more.

I finally was reaching the Capitol, at fucking last. Upon reaching the front door, I kicked it down and began investigating hard. I saw nothing. I was kicking down every door, but no one was here. The place was completely fucking abandoned. Dark and desolate are two words for the shitheap I was in.

There was one last chance. I walked up to the big half oval door, it was marked "Governor's Office". Here we go. I punched right through the door and unlocked it from the other side. The door creaked open slowly and outled an ominous reverbed croak. I heard a voice coming from behind the chair. Man, this was nostalgic.

"Hello, Carl. I see you've arrived back on Earth. Isn't it beautiful Carl? All imperfection in the world, wiped clean in my image." The not-so-mysterious voice behind the chair uttered.

"Jerry… Is it really you?" I said, ready to unholster my Smith and Weston Longrifle.

"No shit, dumbass." He said as the chair began to turn around.

The chair was occupied only by a small am radio. What the fucc? I head benn triockd.

As those thoughts flew past my ever attentionless mind, a mighty quake shook beneath my belly, accompanied by thunderous ambience and paintings falling off walls. The rumbling stopped and started again every five seconds or so, each time getting louder and more violent. After maybe a minute of this, the rumbling now earthquake force, it stopped. I thought maybe this was a horrible earthquake, or bombs from the 130, but no, what awaited me couldn't have just been so simple.

Then, without any buildup whatsoever except this one, the rumbling was worse than ever. The building shook and shaked like a rocket taking off, and then before my very eyes, was a sight I'd never expected to see.

Up above, the dome of the Capitol quaked with fury, the wires and rebar began to show as I realised what was happening before me. Something massive was ripping the dome from its base. I took cover under Arnie's favourite desk, shielding me from the debris. With one last final tug, the dome came off, leaking light into the room. I poked my head out, looked up, and shit myself. Towering above me now was the gargantuan MechFeld Mk-1. It's massive mittens slowly extended down to my hiding place, but before even its fingers could reach, my narcolepsy got the best of me.


	13. EPISODE THIRTEEN: JERRY'S BAD TIME

EPISODE THIRTEEN: JERRY'S BAD TIME

"Jerry Seinfeld, showbiz boy. However did such a scoundrel get the better of me?" I whispered to myself, now at the mercy of the great sein-structure. I felt the cold, unforgiving mittens smear my bod and wrinkle my clothes, I opened my eyes, for what may have been the last time (I never blink). There it was. Miles high and standing tall. Crafted perfectly from adamantium in the image of the great Seinsquash. His cheeks were accentuated tenfold by the flattering compound, he looked as if he was crafted by Hephaestus himself, but this was no time for ogling.

I schlupped over and out of my burgersome coma, and onto my knees. Jey Snay was holding me in his palm like a little baby bird. He knew I didn't have the guts to jump. Even if his hand had been sealed shut **tight** , it would have been the size of my house.

I felt myself begin to lift up, feeling almost weightless as Jerry soared me up from waist to head, nearly a mile long journey. I reached the Head™ in a matter of moments, and in this Head™ I saw him. The original. The one and only Jerry Seinfeld. It hadn't yet occurred to me, but this was the first time I had actually seen the real Jerry Seinfeld. Ever. He had aged. Very poorly. He looked dry and agitated. His skin was flaking off like a toaster strudel. He looked from his cockpit out into my beady blacks, speaking thusly;

"Look around you. Do you know what this is, Carl? This is my vision. This is everything I've done for the past fifteen years. It has all led up to this. Every step, every dollar, every day of every year for what could have been a lifetime has added up to this; My dream. And I'm not going to have you crush it Carl. Not yet. It has only started to come to fruition. Although this may be the end of what you've come to know, it's the beginning of something new, something foreign to you. This is the world I pictured. Absolute unity, mankind working together for a common cause."

"But Jerry, this isn't mankind. Don't you see? These aren't people. This is you. It's not right Jerry, just turn back, please."

"If only it were that easy, Carl. If only I could. Let me tell you something Carl, there's a reason I did all of this. A method to my madness or so you could say. It all started back in 1998. The lowest point I had ever reached was then, in the summer of that year. The was the summer my show was cancelled, and when I was diagnosed. Sometimes when you're at your worst, you think about how much better it could have been, and I decided to make it that way. For everyone. Before that day, I knew what I wanted, but I didn't go for it. I settled. I folded. It took it all in as the scenery as life passed me by. But the diagnosis? It was a message. A message from some higher power that now was my time, and that there was no turning back. I saw that I had nothing else to lose, so I went for it. And here we are, Carl. Here we are."

I said nothing. Tears filled my eyes. I feld so bad for the guy, and yet I wanted nothing more than to choke this motherfucker out.

I was turning a signature tomato color as I looked down and saw a brigade of Seinclones climbing their way up to my location. There really was no getting off of this ride. As they made their way up the shins, I knew something was up. Big boy must have commanded them to do this.

"Jerry! What are you doing?" I screamed, noticing a menacing blue glow from the chest of the mech.

"This is my final move. This is checkmate, the end, bye bye. What you see before you is a chaos emerald, and when my suit is done harnessing its power there will be no one who can stop me. In a few minutes, when I access the full untapped potential of the chaos emerald, I will use chaos control to unleash its power and destroy this pathetic species. And I just can't have you standing in my way, Carl. I know you'll try and stop me, but that just won't do."

A single tear fell from my face right onto Jerry's creation. I was preparing for the end when the sound of the Seinclones inching nearer inspired one last bout of rage in me.

I assumed position. It was time for battle. The clones had now made their way into the hand, which was my cue to get kickin'. They let out one simultaneous cry as the charged towards me, knowing the this may be their final moments.

I stabbed one of them through the head and began spinning the corpse around like a helicopter, knocking every clone coming towards me flat onto their shitter. As the red mist settled, I realised this was only effective as a defensive move, and that the clones were still ready to kill my ass. They charged again, now coming at me from all sides. Time to step it up.

The clones were in a frenzy, scrambling for a counterattack as I swiftly gut-punched my way through the horde, dodging and blocking like my life depended on it (it did). My coordination was impeccable, my years of DDR were flashing back through my eyes, manifesting themselves as low-blows and slobberknocks. By this time at least half clones were dead, leaving a death toll of maybe sixty: my high score. This however was not the end. Wave two was not so easy. Now they had seen my moves and knew my pitfalls.

I reached for my LMG, whipping it out of its dusty holster and bashing a Seinclone across his jaw, removing it with ease. I began unloading, closing my eyes and spraying left to right, up to down, mutilating every Clone in my path. The clones were falling apart like ribs should when cooked correctly at _Texas Roadhouse_ east of Sullivan and north of I80. Look for the Arby's sign on the right of the freeway. Each of their stringy pieces pulled apart like our signature and award winning half-rack of ribs, leaving a nice sein-pile of shredded meat and bb-q sauce surrounding me. I was pulling trickshots left and right, under the leg and over the neck, but even with my impressive skills their numbers were undeniable.

Click.

The sound I had hoped I'd never hear. I was out. My bullets had run dry and I knew not what to do.

I dropped my gun right there and booked my way out of the hand and towards the forearm. The clones were hot on my ass, getting closer and closer. I was looking for a nice vein to take cover under, but whatever artist had designed this piece neglected to further detail this beautiful limb.

Jerry saw me gaining a distance advantage on his ass, and took that moment to eject. He slammed his fist down onto the button, prepping the head for use as an escape pod.

This shit was fucking ridiculous. Everything began shaking as the neck craned forward, releasing a metallic scream. The mech started to collapse under itself without the use of it's main control center. I had to act fast if I didn't want to lose this motherfucker again. I sprinted HARD for the shoulder, and when I reached it I made another one of my great leaps. I was barely able to schloop onto the back of the MechFeld's perm as it quickly jolted off of it's platform. Lucky for him, I'm a dog lover. Not escaping me this time, motherfucker.

I think he noticed me, because in that moment I saw a look from him I hadn't yet seen. Pure anger. True primal rage directed right at my pudgy little pudge.

"GET OFF! NOW! GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY THING! YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!"

His lips must've torn at the sides; he was yelling so... _hard_.

This guy was not jokin'. My fists were losing their death grip on the greasy fake hair. I pulled myself up through the slicked up mane, covering myself in his oily hair jelly. I saw him below me stomping his cubed-feet and screaming.

"GET THE FUCK DOWN! FUCKING JUMP! JUMP! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"

I greedily clawed and shredded my way further up the smelly wig, leaving deep red gouges in the fake-flesh. I shimmied down one of his long strands, finally belly flopping onto his foreHead™. I felt like I was having flashbacks.

Time for a little breaking and entering. I peeled open a deep crevice at his hairline and forced my fatty fat fat on in. He was waiting inside for me, throwing a fucking temper tantrum and tossing nearby items at me. There were dishes and remote controls flying left and right, and he was still down there stomping around like a shitty kid.

"What the fuck are you doing? Stop!" I shouted, trying to block his shit as he threw a stapler and a plastic lawn chair at me. He just kept romping & stomping. Yelling into pillows and punching holes in the drywall. His smallish muscles glistened with sweat as the enraged babby whammed his fist against the wall before starting his intelligent and well thought out speech:

"YOU ARE RUINING. MY. LIIIIIFE. GO AWAY GET OUT GET OUT OF HERE GO OUT OF MY SEINHEAD YOU SHITTY IDIOT I HATE YOU!"

I understood now. Seinfeld was nothing more than a fucking spoiled little brat baby. All those clones I had met before were not clones of him now, but clones of a clone. All of those assholes were just him from 1998. He'd come a long way down since then. The whole cloning clones thing all made sense now, explaining why he hadn't aged a day, and why I'd seen all those mutant defect clones in the lab back on the _**Head**_. I was gonna take this old-timer down easy.

I lept from my perch on his expensive kitchen cabinets, coming down with a power bomb onto his left shoulder. He had no rebuttal, I knocked him another one, and another one, and another one, just pummeling this shithead for all he'd done.

But in the midst of my rampage, I realized there was no one manning the wheel. Me and Jerry gave each other a worried look. We stopped fighting and booked it for the cockpit.

He grabbed the wheel and yanked up, but this thing was stalling and there was no stopping it. I began smacking every button, frantically trying for a plan B, or parachute, or anything really. But there was no stopping it.

The ship was coming down violently and my life was flashing before my eyes again. All those years of killing clones, about to be gone. All gone.

I took one last look at Jundie Schoefeild's pathetic face before the ship swooced right into the fucking ground. I pulled out my picture of sweet judith and gave it a quick smooch before we met the ground head on like dead on.

My vision was blurry. But when I got my bearings, I saw that figuratively massive Peice-O-Shit trying to crawl away from me. He's lost one arm and both of his legs and he was bleeding out fast. He was not going to get off that easy.

I got all the balance I could muster and stood up from the rubble.

"Not so fucking fast, Jerry." I said, panting.

He looked surprised. I was too. He started crawling away quicker, scared shitless. I would be too.

I inched closer as well. My left leg was at a right angle, and I had a nice chunk of rebar right through my chest. I was bleeding out quick. I needed to stop this monster before nature stopped me, so I gave it my all. I slugged closer over to him and dropped to my arms and knees.

"NOT THIS TIME FUCKER" I screamed.

I tore the rebar right out my chest and started smashing Jerry's ugly head. I was crying harder and harder with every blow I delivered to his bleeding, bruised face.

"THIS IS FOR JIMMY" Smash.

"THIS IS FOR SHEEN" Smash.

"THIS IS FOR EARTH" Smash.

"Please Carl, please. Stop… this." Mumbled Jerry, spitting blood into his shirt.

"It's too late for you."

I crushed his skull one last time, until all that could be seen coating the concrete was his brain matter.

It was done.

Jerry was gone. Gone for good.

I rolled over onto my back, and looked up at the sky. This was it for me. Even though this was the end, it was not wasted. I had done it. I had finally rid the earth of it's would be ruler, and saved it from an age of darkness. Everything was fading away now. I was dying, and above me, I realised that there was a new threat, a great impending injustice to mankind. The seinhead was here, and it was coming ever closer. Oh god. This was it and there was nothing I could do. I guess someone else would have to take over for me. Bye bye ultimate legacy. Guess my duty will go unnoticed or some stupid shit.

But then, in what I thought were my last moments, I saw tall beuatiful figure hovering over me.

She dropped a lone blue shard onto my chest, leaving as swiftly as she came. I heard only a few words from her as she made her exit.

"You know what to do Carl. I believe in you."

I held the emerald tight in my hand. Judy had come back for me. But what was this she had given me?

I examined it closer, seeing the machine label on the side.

"CHAOS EMERALD" It read. Oh yeah, this was the thing powering Jerry's machine, wasn't it. But how did she expect me to use it? I lamented the thought, looking up above me and plotting my next move. But then, I realised what I had to do. I gripped it tightly and closed my eyes. I could feel its power surging through me. I had to put it in me, like the machine. I balled up the courage, and drove the crystal deep into the hole the rebar had left.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, now bursting with life-energy. I patched myself up a bit, dusted myself off, and got ready to fuck shit up. This was my earth. My time. And no army was going to take that away from me now. not even an army of well dressed goons like Jerry (R.I.P Hot Stuff).

I had to use the power of the chaos emerald to save the earth, and that's exactly what I intended to do.

I tied my shoes, spilled my jizzum, and pumped myself up. I felt more alive than ever! It was time to take those fuckers down.

I swung left, I swung right, I squinted hard for a clear space, and when I mosied on over to it, I got into position.

feeling the energy flow through me, I gave a few test jumps, and shot upwards. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. What a wild sensation! I had flown before, but never like this. I could feel my hair turning golden as I zipped upwards into the eyes of the enemy. Wind against my face and the sky at my mercy. Up ahead of me was some of the most fucking remarkablest shit I'd ever seen. The Seinhead was headed my way fast, and the Seinclone remnants were going to fucking kamikaze the Earth! It was daunting.

I saw the Head torching through the atmosphere, singeing its still smiling face to the bubbling point.

I folded my arms and chuckled.

"Do you think that's enough to stop me?"

"SEINHOOOOOOOOD!" They screamed, pushing even faster now toward me.

"Not so fast."

I aimed straight for the eyeball, pointing to where I wanted to go. With my fist in the air, I zipped towards them, going faster than sound.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."_

I shot right through the Seinhead's jelly-like retinas. Gushing my way through miles of the goo. Through the eyes, through the brain, and right into the gooey chocolate center. Time to blow this fucker down.

"CHAOS, _CONTROL"_ I bellowed. I released a massive surge of energy, rippling throughout the jupiter-sized head. It tore apart and fell to earth in manageable bite-sized chunks, as I floated there, stationarily screaming as my muscles rippled and my now golden hair blew in the wind, or so I hoped. I let out a final laugh, as one last seinclone gripped my ankle, dangling miles above the earth.

"Spare me, please! I'm the last of my kind!"

"Exactly. Now get the fuck off of me shithead."

I shook my leg and knocked him back down planetside.

"Job well done." I chuckled. Time to get back down to earth.

Zipping my way down through the clouds, I saw the many remains of the various clones onboard. After a short amount of time, they began to vaporize. Without their leader, they had no purpose.

I landed gently back onto the ground, realising that my job was now done. The dust had now settled, and humanity would live to see another day. Thanks to me. Singlehandedly.

People dashed from their homes, reuniting with their friends and families. For the first time since 1999, there was joy in the streets.

A single tear shed from my eye as I saw how happy they all were. And then, out from behind her sandwich shop, came Judy. I greeted my sweet, fabulous Judith and she took me by the arms. I smiled wide, and gobbled a pack right off her smoocher.

"Ah wait, I think I really know what would make this moment." I said.

I reached down for my boom box, and bumped my victory song one last time.

"Eat dick, shitfeild."


End file.
